


Whiskey and Fire

by pepperpottsgoddessofmischief



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Good Loki, Loki Angst, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Past attempted suicide by Loki, Rape because of myth backstories, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony being a little shit and not telling the truth, kid loki mentioned, tw: attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:10:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2203212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperpottsgoddessofmischief/pseuds/pepperpottsgoddessofmischief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Loki and Tony fight it's normally over nothing and over before it's began. But this time it's worse. Tony says some hurtful things and this time it pushes Loki over the edge, when he finds out about 'Jessica' he decides this time is the right time to end it all. But could it all have been a misunderstanding? Will Pepper and Bruce get him to the hospital in time before it's too late? And how, when the rest of the Avengers are pulled into this, will Tony explain that he's sleeping with the enemy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 'Loki's Decision'

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first chapter of Whiskey and Fire! I have three and a bit wrote so far so there should be one every.....weeks or so because I'm at school. But I have good ideas for this so it shouldn't be abandoned. (Hopefully) I hope you like it. Feel free to comment but please, no hurtful ones!

Chapter 1: Loki's decision.

Loki was blackout drunk. He was so drunk he could only just see the phone that was just in front of his eyes. He was trying to use his new phone off of Tony to contact Pepper but it wasn't working. He couldn't hit the correct keys, non of the words he wanted to say were coming out on the screen. 

As he tried to sit down and re type the message the glass in his hand tipped and the clear liquid inside spilled onto his black skinny jeans.

He reached out blindly for the bottle beside him. The liquid sloshed out of the bottle into the glass in his hand, filling it to the brim. The label, partially covered by Loki's hand was written in large curly, Russian letters. The only thing that was seen was the swirly alcohol percentage written on the side. 

Loki had gotten into Tony's secret stash of vodka and found a couple of bottle of a particularly potent concoction given to him by Natasha. 78% vodka brewed up on the streets of Moscow and bought by her during a mission just before Tony's birthday. Tony was quite happy when he received that present and only half listened to the warning given to him by Nat to make sure he drank it with plenty of tonic and lemonade. Never straight like Loki currently was, it was too strong for that.  
Finally catching the call button that he was after the screen changed and he held the phone shakily up to his ear. A light airy voice answered at the other end.

"Good Afternoon this is Virginia Potts CEO of Stark Industries. Who's speaking please?”

Loki's voice was high and whiney like a child's as he answered the phone.

"Heeeeyyyyyy Peppppssss. Hooowww arrrreeee yoooouuuu?!”

"Loki? What....Are you drunk? Where's Tony?”

"Yes! I am drunk. I don't know where he is...he walked out this morning with Thor and hasn't answered his phone since. Pepper...." Loki began to cry. "He hasn't spoke to me since this morning. We....we...I think we had an argument last night....I don't know, but he told me he wished I was dead and I got a text off him that was meant for a Jessica. He's having an affair Pepper! I just I don't want to live anymore Pepper. I want to die. But I want to die the way Tony lived, blind drunk and happy. Will 78% vodka kill me? The two bottles I've had should. I'm not happy anymore....I can't ever be happy again.....not if Tony doesn't love me anymore,”

His breath hitched and he downed half of his glass. "Goodbye Pepper. Please...tell Tony...I loved him.”

"No! Loki..." But he hung up the phone, oblivious to the protests of his friend at the end of the line. 

He stood up shakily on his feet and lifted his now nearly empty glass to his drying, chapped lips. Downing the last of the liquid, he dropped the glass and watched it shatter at his feet. Tiny shards of crystal tinkled almost musically across the floor and, as they danced away from him, he kneeled down in the debris, feeling the splinters cut though his jeans and into the fragile skin at his knees. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small white plastic bottle of sleeping pills. The warning label was highlighted in an alarming red banner. It read 'WARNING: Overdose of these tablets can be fatal!’

'Good,' thought Loki. 'I'll die this time.’

"Jarvis," Loki's voice was croaky now. "Close all of the doors and windows in this room and....turn the a/c up to 30 and don't turn it down...even if i pass out. Also....will you play Tony's favourite song for me, just that one song....over and over." He didn't hear Jarvis' reply as he reached over his head and pulled his shirt off. Actually it was one of Tony's, just a random one he pulled out of the cupboard this morning, but it smelled like him and Loki wanted to die with that smell all around him.

As the heat and the last of the alcohol washed over him and clouded his senses, Loki could just hear the song, playing from the speakers just as he asked. Happy that he was surrounded by everything of Tony's, Loki tipped the contents of the bottle, about half of the tablets, into his mouth, swallowed and replaced the bottle back into his jeans pocket. 

Knowing this time it should work, and he should die, Loki rested his head against the cold hardwood floor and closed his eyes, ready to succumb to his fate.


	2. "I Really Don't Know"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can they save him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You lot are lucky ;P nah I'm only kidding! I decided to upload it now while I had access to a computer and not my iPad because it takes too long on there. OMG there has been loads of positive feedback about this! Thank You so much! I know I've said to a couple of you that I'm hoping to upload every Tuesday and I really want to stick to that but I'm going back to school on Wednesday for my last year so it all depends on the homework I get. Anyway I hope you like it!

Chapters 2: "I Really Don't Know"

Pepper Potts was having a perfectly normal, if somewhat stressful day, when she received the phone call off of Loki. Needless to say she dropped everything straight away and drove at a very nearly illegal speed to Stark Tower. Running straight through the entranceway without so much as a 'Hello' to anyone she passed, she landed in the lift and stabbed at the button for the top floor. It seemed to travel at an agonisingly slow pace as it travelled up the many floors.

'For Gods sake!' She thought, angrily, 'Why the hell did Tony have to plan it with so many floors?!’

"Miss Potts," The mechanical voice, with an almost human touch, of Jarvis flooded the previously quite lift with sound. "Mr Laufeyson's vital signs are falling. Even though he asked me not to I have opened all windows on the floor and significantly reduced the temperature of the area but he is still not responding. I have contacted Dr Banner in his lab downstairs and he is on his way up as we speak. Mr Stark will not answer his phone, however I have been able to get in contact with Miss Romanoff and she is going to find Mr Stark now. Do you wish me to do anything else?”

Pepper breathed a sigh of relief and sent a silent prayer to all the Gods that Thor live with, it was a good job Tony had fixed Jarvis in the tower because if he hadn't Loki would probably already be dead.

"Miss Potts?”

"Sorry Jarvis. Will you contact the closest hospital and say we will need a large private room for an attempted suicide patient please? Just tell them it is for one of the Avengers and they should do it without questions.”

The lift doors glided easily open and Pepper took in the scene around her. In the centre of the room, laid in a pool of his own blood and vomit, was Loki. Convulsing violently and gaining more cuts across his body from the wild moving about in the shards of glass around him. Bruce was just coming up the stairs across the room from her, slightly out of breath from running up the twelve flights that separated him and his labs from Tony and Loki's floor. Bruce looked shocked and confused for a moment because of Loki's presence; the last thing he knew about Loki was that he was on Asgard, in prison, not on Earth, but he didn't questions it. It wasn't the right time to do that now. 

Not worrying for her own safety, Pepper ran the distance between her and Loki and landed on her knees roughly beside him, not caring for the fancy skirt that she was dirtying by doing this. Holding down his violently shaking body so he didn't injure himself more she looked wildly up at Bruce.

"What do we do?! How do we save him?!”

Where as Peppers voice was wild and panicky, seeing on of her best friend in this much distress. Bruce's voice was the voice of calm and reason.

"Pepper. Pepper listen to me," he held her head up and looked her straight in the eye. "First I need to know how much he has had to drink. Look around and see how many empty bottle you can find for me please while I try and clear his airway." 

Standing up shakily and swapping places with Bruce so it was him holding Loki still. Spotting three bottle necks almost straight away, she ran over to them and picked them up. Scanning the labels she found that, even though she only understood one, she knew what the other two were straight away.

"Bruce! Oh God Bruce!" Her voice was shrill and panicky.

"What is it?! What has he drank?!”

Her hands shook just holding them and she couldn't find her voice to tell him again but she gulped back the tears and sobbed out. 

"One bottle of Tony's strongest whiskey and two.....two bottles of that 78% Russian vodka....absolutely straight. There's not sign of anything to water it down any where!”

Bruce cursed under his breath, "Jesus Christ Loki," regaining some composure Bruce decided he needed Peppers help now more than ever. "Right Pepper, I need you over here to hold him down while I clear the blood, vomit and alcohol away from his throat so he doesn't choke.”

Dropping the bottles onto the cream sofa beside her, Pepper ran over to Loki's side and laid herself gently across his chest. Holding both of his wrists still to stop him thrashing and pressing her weight against his upper torso to try to hold him still and stop the violent convulsing.

Bruce produced a needle from the bag beside him and stabbed it quickly, but affectively into the small vain in Loki's neck.

The fit, that was running wildly through his body, was slowly subsiding. Pepper carefully lifted herself off his now still body and looked across at Bruce who was slowly, with deep breaths, bringing his pulse back into order after a stressful few minutes.

For the first time since she stepped foot in the room, Pepper finally took in her surroundings. Loki was below her but the carnage from his recent attempt on his own life could be seen from where she was currently sat. There was vomit covering a large majority of the floor around him and blood was seeping out of tears in his jeans. His bear chest was clammy to the touch and his forehead was covered in a fine sheen of sweat. She also noticed that he was very thin, too thin for it to be healthy as his ribs were sticking out alarmingly far and the jeans, that were supposed to be skin tight, we're hanging off his waist.

Loki's eyes suddenly flew open and he flung his body to the side, finally throwing up the last of his stomach contents.

"Good," said Bruce. "That's what I needed him to do. He obviously has heat stroke as well, we'll have to ask Thor how heat affects Frost Giants, he may still need his stomach pumped once he gets to hospital but that all depends on his next answer.”

Pepper looked puzzled. "What next answer?”

"This one," Bruce had a steely look in is eye as he asked Loki. "Loki. Have you take any tablets?The mess you are in didn't come from alcohol alone”

Bruce's voice sounded harsh but Pepper knew that it was only out of worry for Loki.

Loki groaned and slowly rolled onto his back. Ribs heaving, his back arched up one last time and he hit the floor with a bone crunching crack. His voice was croaky and his throat burning from throw up so much but he still managed to breathe out just one word.

"Yes," his hand weakly came up from its position laid next to Loki and reached into the baggy pockets of his jeans. Pulling out the bottle, he dropped it on the floor next to Bruce's leg. 

Bruce picked up the bottle and cursed loudly, "Damn it Loki!" He flung the bottle across the room and it collided with the opposite wall with a hollow clatter. "Right Pepper, I need you to go and get as many blankets and bedding covers as you can from the rooms on this floor as quickly as you can. He may seem like and say he is warm but the next stage of throwing up like that is for him to get very cold very quickly. After we've got them and got him wrapped up I need you to collect the tablet bottle and the alcohol bottles and put them in a bag ready to take to the hospital...they will need to see what he has taken so they know how to treat him. Then I need you to help me take him down to the car to get him to the hospital. Ok?”

"Ok," standing up quickly and running to the bedroom on the far side of the room she realised she hadn't asked the one question that was eating away at her since this all started. "Bruce," she paused, not knowing how to word it when it was about the life of one of her best friends. "Is he going to survive?”

Bruce looked up from his vigil over Loki's now still body, his face ashen, and swallowed the ball of nerves that had formed in his throat. 

"I don't know Pepper....I really don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun Dun Dun!!!! Left you on a cliffhanger there! Any way see you next week!


	3. 'The Pub'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finds out what's happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry it's a week late, I really got bogged down with school stuff and I'm not to well at the moment so if chapter four is a little late it doesn't mean that I've given up it just means that I'm too tired to put it up that night or I haven't finished it yet because I've not had enough sleep. If there's anything that's spelt wrong or doesn't make sense just message me and tell me. Thanks guys. Hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 3: 'The Pub'

Natasha Romanoff was an assassin. Trained by the Red Room, she could kill a man in a second, extract information she needed without the other party even knowing she had done it and feel no remorse for killing a man that my have had a loving family to go home to. She was NOT a run around dogsbody for a pain in the ass billionaire who couldn't be bothered to answer his phone. 

She hadn't even been told the reason that she had to go looking for Stark, only that he wouldn't answer the phone and a few people desperately needed to talk to him.

She refused to go at first, saying he should just suffer because he didn't answer it, but when Jarvis told her it was an emergency and he needed to get to the hospital she decided she should probably help her team member out.

Her phone was dialling before she had practically got it out of her pocket, Clint's number on speed dial for whenever she needed it. He didn't answer the first time and Natasha was getting very frustrated with the lot of them.

'What if it was an emergency,' she thought, angrily. 'Then they'd be sorry because I would personally kill them my self!’

Pressing the speed dial button again, she angrily pressed the phone to her ear. Listening to the rings she finally heard it click on the third one.

"For fucks sake finally Clint! What were you playing at?! Look no I don't want any excuses off you it's not your fault. Just tell Tony to check his phone now and to get his butt down to the hospital. Yea it's an emergency! Is Thor with you? Right good, tell him he needs to come with you as well Ok I'll see the three of you down there, bye.”

Natasha ended the call and slipped the phone back into her jacket pocket, turning quickly and striding down the busy street towards Stark Tower and the hospital.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright will do, ok Nat bye.”

Clint dropped his phone back onto the table and rubbed his face. Leaning his head into his hands he huffed out a sigh and looked around the busy room for he other two.

They'd been in the bar since early that morning. So early in fact that they were only serving coffee and breakfast when they first got there and he'd been nursing the same beer since lunchtime. He couldn't be doing with a hangover when he was on a mission the next night. To be honest with himself, Clint really didn't want to spend his day in a fancy bar like this one; where Tony could spend a large amount of his mountain of money on a single drink, he'd much rather be in seediest, dirtiest bar he could find in New York. He preferred those; they were closer to the kind of things he had grown up with, not fancy cocktail bars like these, but Tony invited him and he was never one to say no to a day out that involved drinking.

Tony had been in a bad mood all day and it had only got progressively worse with the more he drank. He wouldn't say what was the matter but Clint had a feeling that Tony was hiding something from the rest of the team but he didn't ask him, when Tony is in the kind of mood he's in, he bites anyones head off in a second. 

Tony had even met some woman whilst he was out so Clint decided it wasn't an argument between Tony and a partner. Although him and the girl had been laughing and joking together all afternoon so maybe they were a couple. Clint didn't know, he just knew that he had to find the two of them and then find Thor and get to the hospital. 

Quickly finishing his beer, Clint put the glass down and stood up from the table. He scanned the room around him looking for the pretty distinctive blonde god who they'd come drinking with. Thor was leaning against the brick wall next to the bar talking with a woman. She seamed to be flirting but Thor didn't notice her advances. The woman leaned closer to play with the tips of his long hair, Thor stepped back suddenly, batting her hand away.

'Uh oh,' thought Clint as he saw the woman's fuming face. 'Better get him out of here now or somethings gonna' happen.’

He made a beeline towards Thor and the angry flirter. Stepping into place between Thor and the woman and, as he only came up to Thor's chest, looked up at his slightly surprised face.

"Hey buddy," he coughed, ignoring the woman who had stormed off behind them. "Just got a call from Nat, we need to find Tony and got to the hospital as quickly as possible. Some kind of emergency or something but she didn't say. Do you know where Tony is?”

"No Barton I do not know," his deep voice boomed over the low level of music in the bar. "He was here earlier with the other woman but I did not see where they went." 

Clint cursed under his breath. "Damn, I need to find him quick so we can get to the hospital. Nat said it was an emergency but didn't say what about. Right you go that way," he said pointing towards bar and the other side of the room. "And see if you can find Tony. I'll go the other way towards the back of the bar and I'll meet you by the door in two minutes.”

Thor nodded and strode off in the other direction, parting the crowd with ease. 

Clint scanned the room and spotted Tony's messy brown hair and saw him leaning against the back wall, drink waving wildly in the air and his voice gradually rising above the volume of the music in the bar. Clint walked over and snatched at the collar of Tony's expensive shirt, pushing him against the wall. He made a cry of protest and spilled his drink down Clint shoulder as he tried to swing a punch towards his face. Failing miserably in his drunken state, Tony's hand fell back down to his side and he looked up at Clint with bleary eyes.

"Whada you want?" Tony's words were slurred slightly and Clint rolled his eyes at the very annoying billionaire. Looking Tony up and down Clint realised that this time, drastic measures were needed to sober up his drunken team mate. Dragging Tony away towards the bar, Clint forgot about the woman that Tony had been sat with until she made a small shout of protest to is sudden departure.

"What?" Clint asked abruptly, dragging Tony towards the bar. The woman followed, not making another sound. Clint flipped Tony over his shoulder and slammed him down, neck first, onto the bar. Pulling the drinks gun from its holder behind the bar, he pressed the button and started spraying Tony in the face with it. He shouted in surprise.

"AH! Clint what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Tony tried to wriggle away but Clint had hold of him by the shirt collar.

"Get off him!" The sudden outburst from over his shoulder made Clint jump, but he didn't let go of Tony. Thor strode over from the entrance and stood behind the woman. It was the one that Tony had been flirting with all afternoon. "Get off him now! What do you think you're doing?!”

"I'm sobering him up. What do you think I'm doing? Now I'm sorry but you'll have to get back to flirting with Tony another time but right now I need him to get his arse to the hospital."  
"The Hospital? What do I need to go there for?" Tony was confused, half of the Avengers were in the bar with him, Steve and Bruce were practically indestructible and Natasha was more than capable to look after herself if she got attacked. So was Loki in Tony's mind but only him and Pepper knew Loki wasn't on Asgard, so that only left....Tony sat up quickly, ripping Clint's hand off his shirt collar. "Pepper?! Is she ok?!" 

"Yea she's fine that I know of. Nat just said check your messages, someones apparently been trying to contact you all day." 

Tony went chalk white and pulled his phone out of his shirt pocket. He'd been ignoring it when it went off, even the great Tony Stark had to have a day off every now and then. Lighting up the screen he saw he had over twenty missed calls and at least forty messages. He scanned through them and saw, with horror that nearly all were from Loki. Getting progressively worse as he scrolled down the list, he decided to go to the last one. It was just one word, 'Goodbye x’.

"Shit," Tony hit the list of missed calls and saw that the last two were different, one from Jarvis and one from Pepper. He clicked on the last call, just twenty minutes ago from Pepper and listened intently.

"Tony, where are you?! Will you answer your phone! Look...as soon as you get this message get down to the hospital. Bruce and I, we're there now with Loki. He tried to kill himself and Bruce said…well they’re doing all they can but…Tony he might not live past tonight. You need to get down here now…unless you don’t love him enough to say goodbye.”

The line clicked dead. Tony's mouth was dry and the world seemed to be spinning around him. 

What would make Pepper think that he didn’t love Loki?! He loved him with all his heart and she should know that! What had he done to make her think that?!

Tony thought back to what he’d done today including the only time he had used his phone. To text Jess to come meet him…they had over nineteen years of catching up to do. He thought for a moment and then realised what he had done.

His face blanched white and he leaned on the bar for support as the world moved beneath his feet. He had sent a message intended for Jess to Loki by accident.

‘Shit,’ thought Tony. ‘He must have thought I’m having an affair!’ 

As the world span wildly around him, Tony could just hear Clint’s far of voice,  
"Tony! Tony? Come on, come back. Shit! He’s gone into shock. Tony? Answer me! Tony?!" Clint seemed to be talking to him from a million miles away as the sound of crashing waves rang in his ears.

The last thing Tony remembered before he passed out was Thor, holding him up as his body went limp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: 23rd March 2015.  
> Guys I am so so sorry.   
> THIS HAS NOT BEEN ABANDONED. I promise. I've got one chapter fully written and one other almost finished. However I will not be uploading them for a little while. I'm in Year 11 and I'm lucky to get time to sleep. This story will be updated after my last exam in June. Promise.  
> You'll have two new chapters for the beginning of the summer and then as many as I can get written during it.


	4. 'The Failure'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back to Loki again. Will he survive his suicide attempt or will the memories he's forced to relive with the pain kill him?

Chapter 4: 'The Failure'

All Loki could feel was burning. His blood was like red hot lava coursing through his veins and his flesh felt like it had sharp, poisonous barbs dragging across it. His heart was a lead weight inside his chest and it was burning out of control.

Inside his head he was screaming but his lips...his lips felt like they were being sewn shut all over again. They would not open and the pain going down his throat was so strong he wanted to take a knife to his neck and cut it out because that would hurt less.

The voice was screaming at him. The one that hated him, it was screaming his failures right into his mind and they rooted there, growing in to rotten vines that were snaking around his head pulling tighter and tighter, suffocating him.

'You're a failure,' The voice was Thor's, the one Loki just wanted to be equal to, the one he wanted respect off. 'You're a failure, you've never been as good as me. Loki the frost giant! Not wanted by Father and not loved by my Mother. You were never excepted on Asgard because everyone knew you didn’t belong there. A monster! A frost giant! You were never going to get on the throne, that was my place not yours. Yours is in the mud with the dirt and the animals because you have beasts for children. I wish you had died when you fell of the Bifrost, that way I wouldn’t have to see your failure of a face now!’

The words landed with sharp accuracy, confirming everything Loki had ever know. These voices may have been his own creation but he knew this was exactly what Thor would say if he ever spoke his true mind about Loki. He reached out in his mind, clawing and scratching at the many Thor's that were shouting at him in his head. 

'No! Please Thor stop. I love you, you're my brother' 

The many Thor's spit there comments and venom into his face. 'You're not my brother. You never will be,' the Thor's ran at him in his mind and attached him, pulling him to pieces with both their words and actions. They hurt him as they did.

He had not felt physical pain like this since last time. 

Last time. Loki and been in so much pain last time. He hadn’t been as thorough on his first attempt, but he was still only young, the equivalent of a ten year old. He felt so alone and he didn't know any way out of it apart from death. He couldn't speak to Frigga about it, he would worry her. Odin wouldn't care and Thor wouldn't understand. That's what he thought. So to Loki, at the tender age of 10, death was the only answer that would free him. Free him from the memories of his rape...of being pregnant with a child that would prove to Asgard that Loki and his magic was a freak.

The helmet, horns and all, had just been finished and Loki loved it. He wanted to die in it. So, with full child ceremonial armour, a long green gold edged tunic, his long dark green cape black leather pants and some light leather armour over the top with his helmet for when he would've grown into adulthood, Loki drew a long, deep bath and climbed in fully dressed. He had taken a dagger, one of his mothers that they had used in his magic training, and had laced it with spells of happiness, serenity and a peaceful afterlife. That's all he had wished to come of this. A happy after life, free from the problems he was currently facing. Although he was using this as an escape he knew he needed to suffer for such cowardice so instead of taking his own life quickly he made himself suffer, he stabbed himself in the stomach. When he felt the spells run through him he smiled a soft put pained smile and laid back, ready to welcome death to him.

He was happy but also angry when a gangly 13 year old Thor and Frigga in a long flowing golden gown smashed through his door, faces full of fear and worry. They saved him, he didn’t really want to die, just save himself from the mockery from Odin and Asgard. She pulled him out of the bath, sobbing and holding him tightly, blood and water running down off Loki and onto the floor.

Loki survived, just. He spent may weeks in the healers rooms in Asgard, watching by a permanent guard of Frigga. She only moved from her vigil over her son when Thor came and took over when she needed to sleep. Loki's heart had hurt more after that, seeing what pain he had caused them both. His heart hurt more when he started to show, a heavy weight in his chest that a ten year old boy should never know, with the bump appearing on the stomach of his small, childish frame. This was what he was trying to avoid, telling Frigga about his failed attempt to save Asgard. About the monster of a child he was carrying.

She was distraught when she found out about Loki's pain but Frigga vowed to help him thought it. Loki was already in too much pain and too weak, he wouldn't survive the operation to remove the child before it was born, it would kill them both. But she helped him as much as she could, keeping him comfortable and helping him change into the form of a mare when the pain from Sleipnirs hooves cut at Lokis stomach every time the foal moved.

Six months and one 15 hour labour later and Loki was greeted by Sleipnir. A gangly eight legged foal with bright brown eyes, short spiky blond mane and a pale blue coat. An exhausted Loki was ecstatic and Frigga was smiling brightly next to him, Thor happy and waiting for his nephew outside. The only one that wasn't present was Odin and he wouldn't be for any of the births of Lokis children.

Loki raised little Sleipnir in a happy and loving environment. A little boy willing and ready to learn everything he loved his mum so much. Their little world was so safe, so happy. Loki taught him how to walk and then run with his eight legs, which all had a mind of their own the first time he tried to run. Loki never once saddled his son, he was a Prince of Asgard, of royal blood, and Loki told all the court that his son would never feel the heavy weight of a man on his back, or a big cutting sharp at his mouth.

It didn't last long.

Sleipnir was dragged, screaming and crying away from Loki after one long blissful year. Neither wanted to be separated but Odin said it was a necessity. There were too many foul things being whispered about the young prince, so bright, smart, loving Sleipnir was bound in riding chains. A bridle, a cutting bit that stopped his magic ability to talk to his Father, and dimmed the bright intelligent glow in his eyes and a saddle, the one thing Loki promised Sleipnir that he would never have to feel, becoming the bound and broken war horse of the Allfather, never again allowed to see and no longer having the ability to talk to Loki.

That one action was the start of the downward spiral that drove Loki away from Agard. Then with each child that Loki had, either by accident or just because he needed another to full the empty ache in his heart, it was the same story, he was allowed some time with them and then they were dragged from his arms. 

Hella was the worst, he’d begun to bond with her as she hadn’t been taken, she’d been born looking like a normal Asgardian baby apart from her different coloured eyes, even Odin agreed that she was a beautiful princess. She was growing happily when the flash all down one side of her body started to change colour and look as if it was rotting, it broke Lokis heart as she was only a baby and she was in pain. On her third birthday she looked so different that to avoid her being upset from the stares and the mockery, Loki put a vail on her. He knew when her differences started to show she would be taken. He knew it would happen that day.

He didn't cry when they led her away, walking her away from him and down the Bifrost to Helheim, he didn't want to upset her, he told her he’d seen her soon, even though Loki knew that he would never be allowed to see her again. When the Bifrost was opened and she was gone forever from Asgard, that was when Loki broke down, crying for days and not seen for months.

To Loki the pain of losing his children was unbearable and the worst pain he could ever feel, or that's what he thought it was at the time. This pain was worse, so much worse and burning his way through his whole body. This time, trying to end his life again, had drove him to relive all of the pain he had ever experienced in his short but tortured life.

He scrambled in his mind to try to get back to the surface, to wake and try to find Tony, to apologise for taking what had happened to cause Loki to do this when Tony thought that life was happy. Forcing his mouth open, pulling at dry, chapped lips and the pain in his sore and bleeding throat form the tablets, Loki let out a soft and tortured whimper of pain, the loudest his throat would let him speak. A hand gripped his and he flung his eyes open, blinking and disorientated in bright hospital lights. 

The person the hand belonged to breathed a sigh of relief as he moved his head to look at them. 

His mouth was dry as he tried to speak, "Pe...Pepper?" He whispered softly, his voice horse.

She nodded and squeezed his hand again, "You're alive Loki. You're alive," she whispers the words out, more to reassure herself than to convince Loki. He turns his head away as a tear rolls down his cheek, looking out the window to the side of him and away from Pepper. He didn't want to survive, not this time but maybe this time he can make a life after this. Make his life happy.

Maybe once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you a new chapter soon and there it is! He's going to get better promise and the next chapter I'm going to write is from Tonys point of view. I'm finishing chapter 5 today as I walk to meet my boyfriend so hopefully you'll have it either tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for all the comments and kudos guys you're amazing, if any of you spot any mistakes don't forget to tell me please


	5. Update

Hi guys,  
I am really sorry but I'm in the middle of re-writing this because I'm not happy with it anymore. I won't be able to update the chapters for about a month but from then onwards you'll get four re written chapters and anymore I write on top, I've got ideas for approx. 10 chapters so I hope it'll last that long an probably end about then. Really sorry for this not being an actual chapter but you'll have a new lot soon I promise  
Thanks guys

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: 2nd October. Sorry guys but the next couple of chapters are going to be out at really random times coz I've got all my mock exams and coursework deadlines coming up in the next month and a bit so I don't have any time to write. I'll try to get some done over my next holiday but I can't promise because that is right before my exams. Thanks guys for all the views and I will have it up and running again real soon.


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